Journal #1 - *screams* I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS
Hi, I'm Lindsey and I'm human & imperfect.
Hey readers, whether new or not- so I said on Instagram when I was promoting my last post that I may or may not be explaining why I hadn't posted for over a month. In simplest form, it was due to two reasons which led up to me just not being able to write, or at least produce anything I would be proud of. The first reason was that work took over my life; I was working practically every day, and the last two weeks of August, I was working longer hours so I didn't have the time or even energy to produce anything worth posting. The second reason which is the most important one is that I was going through personal stuff that I don't want to share publicly. I admit that 90% of my summer was pretty awful & I spent the most of it feeling lonely and sad (due to the second reason), except for the beginning of summer when I went on the West Coast Road Trip and the last two weeks of summer.
I wrote a paragraph on the specific stuff I have been going through, but deleted it because I decided not to share it. Instead, I spent hours Saturday night just thinking and listening to good ole music. I discovered that soul music, the classics, from MJ to Stevie Wonder, Aretha Franklin, and others' music has so much of an effect on me. I always knew that soul music was feel good, but when you find songs that you can jam to but also relate to, you just feel so much better. On my Spotify account, I created a new playlist called "Self-Empowerment" which started out with MJ's "Man In The Mirror" which is a song that means a lot to me because one thing it reminds me of is actually this blog and brings back memories of my journey within Livin'Lin so far & the amazing things people have said to me about what I've written. I'm touching a lot of subjects right now, I'm sorry- but I decided that my "journal" posts will be less structured than my regular posts and more raw, real, and vulnerable.
I've honestly have been going through so much these past 4 months; lots of plot twists have been going on in my life and lots of confusion has been going on with where my focus was on. It's definitely been a roller coaster. There have been numerous times where I thought I was finally okay, but then I'd be completely broken down the next day. I would feel the pressure, again, of having to post something happy and inspirational, but screw those thoughts, because my life may seem like it's in tact most of the time, but I'm just as normal as you. Looking back though, there were things I was doing which was helping me become better, like meditation, but I guess I stopped making time for it. You know those songs that remind you of bad times? Yeah, I got a little too into those songs, so I'd always be kind of living in the past. I can't believe I only realized two nights ago that music has such a huge impact on your life. Remembering the past can be a good thing because it reminds you of what you've overcome, but it can also be a bad habit you fall into (if you can't get the past off your mind) that puts you into this dark tunnel of misery.
I have high expectations for myself, and that also kind of sucks. I feel stupid for looking back to my previous posts and how I said that I'd stand up and make a change for the better, but it'd only last for weeks or even days and then I'd be sad or something all over again. When I step back and look at myself, I realize "fuck.. I'm human and I'm imperfect AND I'M A COMPLETE MESS SOMETIMES, BUT IT'S OKAY." I guess I only ever expected to trip on the road of life, and I was never prepared and wasn't expecting at all to fall down on my butt. So when I finally did fall, it was the toughest thing just trying to get back up. In fact, I feel like I'm still not fully back up, or maybe I just don't want to be disappointed in myself if I say I am- all I know for sure, right now, is that I'm a work in progress. To elaborate on that, I mean that I've kind of been this inconsistent being, my highs and lows were fluctuating like CRAZY and they're only starting to settle down; I'm pretty sure I've lost most of who I am- but rediscovering yourself and treating yo self is fun, so I don't mind that much.
Ever since Saturday night, I've been feeling very optimistic and hopeful towards the future of my well-being, but while still remaining realistic. I was jamming until about 3 am to mostly soul songs, but also to nostalgic songs that reminded me of my childhood. I never realized how much soul music my parents would play (even 'til now actually) when I was younger, so I feel pretty blessed that I can feel nostalgic and happy when listening to classics. I wanted to dedicate this paragraph to all of the people who have let me vent to them about my problems and situations I've been going through. It was really only until school started 3 weeks ago that I started opening up a lot more about what I'd been going through the months before and those people have been nothing but great comforters. I RARELY vent to people due to the sole reason that whatever advice people give me, I most likely will not listen to them. Just because, that's who I am (#DOYOUBOO). You can get all this wonderful advice from people, but at the end of the day, it's you who makes the decision. So thank you, friends, for being so wonderful and hearing me out through my highs and lows- you are so VERY appreciated.
I've realized that half of me fell into this hole of shame and oh how I'm glad I realized it before I fell all the way in. I think this is a sign that I'm in dire need of some Shameless Maya, haha. OK, so goals- these, I must set. My goals are to get back into meditating, spread love, and do what makes me happy. BASICALLY. It sounds so simple, but it really isn't- the journey to achieving your goals is what makes life so exciting!
LOVE YO SELF. CARE FOR YO SELF. #SELFLOVEISIMPORTANT #TREATYOSELF
I am wonderful and I have accomplished more than I ever thought I could with this blog. I really mean that from the bottom of my heart. I feel wonderful and great and amazing because of you, the reader! In fact, ever since I've started this blog, with all its feedback, it became so much easier for me to distinguish what I deserve, who deserves my time, etc. In other words, my growth in self-worth has ascended immensely. I started Livin'Lin for myself, but I've actually recently been feeling like this is one of my passions and that inspiring, advocating, and creating are the 3 EXCLUSIVE things that would make me the happiest if I could do those things for the rest of my life. There's some big plans happening in this girl's head and with senior year/prep for post-secondary going on and the coming of my 18th Birthday (4 MONTHS. WHAT THE HELL, I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER?!), NOW is the time to make them dreams come true.
(Side note: The hint to my next post is the display photo for this post. *wink wink* IT'S EXCITING NEWS.)
I really thank you. I love you. UGH. God may have not been giving me the best news for the past few days and I'd keep asking him, "GOD, WHY YOU PLAYIN' WITH ME", but He definitely made me step back and look at the big picture which is me & just.. all of this. This blog IS me and I've said this before, but I love how I keep spilling out my insides and getting all of this amazing feedback. Oh how His works are weird.. HAHA. It all comes together in the end though- I'm always being led onto something bigger and better if something doesn't work out for me.. UGH, WHEN YOU REALIZE HOW BLESSED YOU REALLY ARE.
GRACE UPON GRACE UPON GRACE. (inspired by "stacks on stacks on stacks")
I'll end off this post with a quote from Johnna Holmgren (Fox Meets Bear);
"It is so good to celebrate the beautiful and good moments, but seems equally essential to share about the less proud ones, too. It would be so amazing to ask those around us, "Did you fail this week? Yep, me too. Let's talk about it."