The Year That Brought Me Back to Myself
I started 2018 with no specific goals in mind, either than to make it a better year than the previous one. My priority was healing my heart and being over protective of it by being hyper aware of how much I share and how much I let myself feel.
I was still on my social media break that I said I’d be on for a year, but I cut it short in May, when I decided to return after 10 months of being offline. This year, I really connected with my intuition, and I knew that was a result of making it a habit to meditate daily and set intentions (you can read my article “Using Manifestation to Overcome Imposter Syndrome” to find out more if you’re curious). After returning from my second solo trip, I knew in my gut that it would be okay for me to go back online. I felt that I was strong enough to handle what gave me so much anxiety.
May to November was all about getting work done and “putting myself out there” once again, all while maintaining the energy I cultivated while being in hermit mode. I was thinking a lot about my future, perhaps too much. This caused me to make a big decision, which was transferring schools to study Design. I thought that I had made the choice that would set me on a path that would eventually lead me to move out and “start my career.” Mid-term, I became very stressed out with my school work. I was losing a lot of hair, not eating enough, and breaking out more than I’ve ever experienced since I’d been in high school. Not only that, but there was something within me that started questioning if I made the right decision.
I’ve been jumping from major to major at my previous school, so my immediate thought was that this self-doubt was normal. I tried muting these thoughts by pouring myself into my projects, until one night, I finally took the time to take myself out to a café and write. After writing the slight chaos going on in my mind, I came to realize how much I missed writing, and that perhaps, this self-doubt I was experiencing about school was actually a helping hand from my guides that I’m being called to do something else —something I’ve always been passionate about.
A lot happens when you remain still. I purposely put myself in isolation mode during my first term at my new school, because I wanted to make sure all of my energy was being put into it. Since I was so occupied with school and extra curriculars, I put writing on the back burner. It created a hollowness within me that I couldn’t have found if I hadn’t done what I did. I discovered that what stressed me out the most was the pressure I put on myself along with parental and societal projections of how I should act. If it wasn’t for practicing how to honour my inner voice, the most important voice, then I wouldn’t have been able to make all my choices that lead me to where I’m meant to be, which is always this moment.
At the end of the year, I’m not left with a singular calling to one path, but I do know that I’ve managed to keep attracting experiences that bring me closer to a better version of myself. I met a lot of nice people this year who taught me a lot about myself, I travelled back to the east coast for two weeks, I landed a role on the TEDxSFU team as an event coordinator, I finally received my license after four tries, I created and led a group passion project called the #HearMeOutSeries, and I survived and succeed at one term in a design program.
Even though where I’m at now isn’t at all what I envisioned just 6 months ago, the person I am today no longer lives in the past nor the future. What I didn't know then is what makes now the greatest gift. I’m happy to be here and thankful for everything I have endured and that I will endure.
I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to in 2019. As long as I’m continuing to put myself first and maintaining my self-care practices, I’m open to new experiences, opportunities, and love. I believe that who I am and who I am becoming has the power to attract like-minded individuals and I’m excited to meet more of them.