Journal #5 - Saturn, Travel Anxiety, Travel Guilt, & Mush
This is not a particularly positive article, as it features the writing that comes out when I messily write my feelings onto my journal. In a way, my ‘journal’ blog posts are the catalysts to the articles I post —the reasoning and purpose behind why I write them.
It’s Pisces season, folks, and we’re all going through it more than usual.
Wednesday, February 20th, 2019 [7:14PM EST}
Aquarius season was rough for me, because it didn’t want me dealing with emotions and how slow everything has been feeling. I’m glad that I lowered my usage of social media and put my energy into what was working and what I do have control over. Ultimately, it was how I react to my environment.
Now that the sun is in Pisces, my 12th house, the water energy is all around me and usually I can’t handle it. Cancer season suffocates me with having to deal with all the emotions; I remember crying a lot that season. Scorpio season wants me to obsess over emotions that don’t even matter which makes me so frustrated; it’s like walking through molasses. Pisces season is a little bit different.
The older I grow, the more I associate my writing with my 12th house, which is fact is huge and is also where Saturn resides. I have the planet of responsibility, structure, and karmic lessons in the house of dreams, illusions, intuition, and most importantly, the subconscious mind. To make matters heavier, Saturn is one of my chart rulers, because most of my self emits Capricorn energy, which puts more focus on that energy. When we turn 21, transit Saturn (the moving planet in the sky) squares your natal Saturn, which means that the energy in the house of transiting Saturn is challenging, therefore amplifying the matters of the house of your natal Saturn placement. *If you don’t understand what I just said, I'm basically going through a huge shift and transformation in my internal and external environment and it hasn’t been a fun time.*
I could not sleep last night, A big reason being having a terribly early flight at 6:45AM and not wanting to sleep through it, which was almost the case the first time I visited New York. Above that, however, was experiencing the influx of so many significant memories of the first time I travelled solo. Crying as I ate mama’s packed watermelons, which were warm by the time I consumed them; having so many hopes and expectations about the trip which got me easily down in the dumps when I couldn’t even ask the girl rooming next to me if she wanted to get poutine; so many more. It felt like going through a vortex and I couldn’t get it to stop.
It made me curious to ask why I was receiving all these memories right before I left. I guess the biggest, most obvious reason being this will be my third time in New York within only a year and a half. If I think that so much has changed since New York 2018 in the spring, 19-year-old me seems like a completely different person.
One of the biggest changes in mindset is that I don’t know what to expect of this trip. Either I don’t have to practice a full-blown manifestation ritual for months to know that I’ll have a good time or I’ve completely expected and accepted the unknown. Another big but obvious change is how much more grounded I feel within myself. I believe that every day, we have the chance to become a better version of ourselves. Though change is inevitable, I’ve certainly reached a point where I had no choice but to accept this ongoing phenomenon. With all that being said, I’m excited for what this trip will bring me, and what part of myself will be brought out.
Thursday, February 21, 2019 [2:56PM EST]
I guess I’ve been trying to find a reason, an answer to the question “Why am I here?” It feels weird to be “on vacation” in between the school term –quickly shifting gears from focusing on school and all the projects I have back home to suddenly “dang, I need to make the most of my time here.” I must admit that the need for speed in the transition has made me anxious, even if I managed to complete most of my schoolwork for the one class I’m taking.
Moreover, I’m also battling the voice in my head that’s telling me I’m undeserving of being here. Again. I happened to be offline the two times I was here, and I know that I’m not obligated to share anything. We all know how it feels to be on the other side of the highlights, but do people ever think “Is this too much to show?” And no, I’m trying to gain sympathy for caring about how my actions can affect the self-esteem of others. Maybe I’m just a narcissist, I’m overthinking everything, and no one really cares? Anyways, I’m more so looking for the understanding of why I feel so uncomfortable documenting my trips as I’m on them and why it feels different than when I was offline.
Maybe it’s the part of me always looking for a challenge, I no longer feel uncomfortable in this city but I do feel uncomfortable sharing it with others, in fear that I accidentally come off as uber privileged. There it is. How do I make “I’m going to New York” or stating that I’m going anywhere for that matter not sound like I’m privileged? I’ve felt envy of seeing the lives of others as the study abroad and experience the life I thought I would have, and I’ve managed to switch my mindset into just being happy for them, but as a lot of my internal battles, the opposing sides like to crash into each other a lot.
I arrived here with no expectations, with only a few weeks to plan whilst handling the major challenge of shedding all from the past that didn’t bring me joy. It wasn’t only that therapeutic process of cleaning my room, but it’s also been the one of cleaning my mindset.
Deep down, I know that my fear of projecting privilege is an intrusive thought. It’s a force wanting to pull me down, make me stagnant, and stuck in my thoughts. Sure, there’s truth in it; I am super lucky to be in this city I love so much again –but if I were to talk to myself as I friend, I’d tell her this:
There is such thing as worrying too much, and at this point, you are literally here right now. Think of it as having less than 96 hours to spend in this timeline of your life. How do you want to spend those 96 hours? Living in the present moment and taking in all the opportunities this time will give me? Or worrying too much about how you may come off to others? In the end, I’d choose myself and this moment.
This morning I was experiencing the physical pains of my anxiety, which only happens a few times a year, before presentations, unexpected mishaps, and prior to speaking to strangers. In fact, as I’m writing this inside a coffee shop, some of the feelings are still there. My body feels tense, my arms are shaking, and not one part of me is relaxed. On the subway going downtown, I felt like crying. I just don’t understand why I feel this way. I have speculations and theories but as my mind likes to do, I couldn’t find a way to justify why I was here. My mind keeps saying “That is not good enough of a reason and relaying my aunt’s question of What is the purpose of this trip?”
I don’t know. I guess my answer isn’t enough for me and I’m projecting that insecurity into others, when it’s probably not the case. The voices in my head are so loud, saying words like “Who does she think she is? Why is she here AGAIN?” I feel like the monster inside of me is beating me up and I can’t stop it.
Before leaving, I thought of it as a joke. “Haha, of course I’m going again.” I feel pulled to this place and I don’t know why.
It’s currently 8AM on Saturday, February 23rd and I’m in New York. I’ve managed to get myself out of most of the anxiety I’ve written about above with the help of time and friends, and I’ve come to realize that there’s a much greater reason to why I feel this way, why I always feel so drawn to this place, and that reason is yet to be determined. It’s just one of those situations I know I’ll understand a lot better in a few months.