just tryna live my life & be the best I can be
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A girl with with a mind full of dreams, thoughts and loves.

The Love Story I Needed

Near the end of December, I took someone else's advice for once and set my mind to consistently practice positive manifestations. This isn't the same as spending half an hour pinning half-assed superficial quotes preaching "Everything will be okay," continued by living cycles of self-pity. Recently, I've committed to living, breathing, and thinking in a positive manner through meditation, breathing, and constant reassurance -- next thing you know, I realized that I've been practicing the Law of Attraction. 

What is the law of attraction?
In summary, it's working on becoming what and who you wish to be, completely eliminating the feelings and thoughts of inadequacy, low self-esteem, doubt, and negativity, and taking up all the space within you for hope, acceptance, and positivity. 

When I started to become more conscious of my thoughts in high school, I "accepted" that I was always going to be innately negative and it was something I came to terms with on my own in secret. For the longest time, it literally felt like someone installed a chip of negativity in my brain and that I couldn't get rid of it. In turn, this structured my mindset and made me think that if life was going well, I had to expect something bad to happen next. I thought of life as a cycle of highs of lows, and though that statement could be true situationally -- because we can't control what the Universe throws at us, it isn't.

You can even look back at my previous blog posts, that I've sometimes mentioned something like "Every year, I go through a stage of depression." Ironically, I never asked myself why that's how my life supposedly had to be... who said so? God? Did He really manifest "I'm going to give this child a mind filled with anxiety, doubt, and fear, and see what she does with it hahaha." I can't say that I haven't thought that before; that I was born into such troublesome mind. It's kind of like returning to pain and sadness has been my safe haven, because it's all I've ever known. I know how to deal with myself when I'm low, and by thinking that, I now see why I let myself slip. 

I always used to practice self-love by isolating myself when I felt like I was a burden to those around me. That was never self-love. That was me getting into the constant cycle of self-destructing; talking myself into thinking why I shouldn't even try explaining my feelings if people won't understand anyway, because I don't understand myself. It didn't make sense how empathetic I could be towards others and possibly the complete opposite to myself. Most of the time, the answers I needed couldn't be found through words said by another person, but they did help me clear out the clouds within me because of their willingness to help. Half of the equation to self-love is letting yourself accept others help you.

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One of my inspirations once said "If you find the base of your wish then you wouldn't have the wish in the first place." Let's talk about romantic relationships for a second, just because I haven't written something as emotional as 'Livin'(L)in Love.' For years, I've delved into what I'd want my "soulmate" to be like, and because it's not something on my priority list, I've chosen to work on myself and what I already have in my life. I also spent years thinking that "I'm such a mess," therefore wishing for someone who "has their life together," but when I started developing feelings for someone, I put them on a pedestal, and thought that I don't deserve someone who's "too good to be true." 

One of the biggest lessons I learned within the past few months is coming into terms that I attract people who are kind and sweet because I'm kind and sweet. Good people don't come into my life because they have something I don't, they come into my life because of who I am. It's like that saying "what you give is what you get," but there's also another lesson I learned within that; just because I act a certain way does not mean I should expect someone to act the way I would.

Twenty years later and I learn that people are different, wow! Jokes aside, despite how simple it sounds, keeping in mind that everybody is different in how they think, act, and express themselves, I feel like I'm on the road to endless opportunities and gifts and no problems whatsoever. I went from thinking "I want someone who has their ish together" and "I need to work on myself so that when that person walks in my life, I'll be good and ready" to "I choose to become this person I want." My wishes can all be fulfilled within me and I'm more than capable of becoming my dreams. 

At the beginning of the year, I booked myself a counselling appointment for no other reason than "just in case." It felt like I was parenting myself. Anyways, when I walked into the room and started talking, I got all shaky and all of these unrecognized thoughts came out; the most surprising one being "I feel like I don't deserve to be the level of happiness I know I can be, because my energy is too much; like I have to tone myself down because from what I see, the world and a lot of people around me are unhappy and sad."

I have to remember that I'm not responsible for life's messes and there's only so much I can do. There's only one of me, but that doesn't mean I need to resort to isolation to grieve events that are out of my control. I have to remember that reaching out to people you love attracts the love you need. My family cares about me because I care about them. I'm the only one blocking myself from giving to the world, because I am self-conscious of how I can be viewed. I have to remember that one of the good reasons I do resort to being alone is to touch upon the fundamentals of who I am at the core which is someone just trying to be a good person every step I take. 

I vow to accept that life gives me challenges and not a load of stuff I can't deal with or else I wouldn't have been put through what seems like hell in the first place. I'll forever be learning that there are reasons beyond my consciousness that events, whether external or internal, happen to me so that I can continue to grow into the person I ultimately choose to be. 

I'm thankful to have gained the insight that there is nothing wrong with me, there is just more to learn about myself.

P.S. You can have millions of people telling you things like "Believe in yourself because I do!" but real shifts don't happen until you find the power that no one else can give to you. Everything you need can be found within YOU, but you won't know this until you surrender and choose yourself. That's how powerful you are. You are love. You are hope. You are everything. 

~

Kina has a new song called "Lonesome" that breaks me into tears the more I listen to it. In simplest form, the message is "You have everything you need." If you watch the video, you get even more of the meaning, which to me is the sad reality that most of us don't give in to help for fear of being a burden, being judged, and for reasons that we may not even understand yet. Personally, I'm still new to sharing my innermost fears to my loved ones, but I wouldn't have felt better if I hadn't chosen to share. I can still feel lonely with my problems, but I'm lonely with love and hope, and that really is the greatest love I could want for myself and everyone else.