I don't like talking about romantic love because it makes me feel weak. Underneath it all, I know that I yearn for that kind of closeness and comfort shared with another. I mean, who doesn't? Ever since I started this self-growth blog, I've never talked about my relationship towards romantic love for someone else. I'm all about self-love, but every time I want to get close to someone, I fall into a spiral of the exact opposite.
I've only fallen in love once. It was both the greatest and worst thing that happened to me. My experience of being in love can be summarized by thinking I've gone crazy, realizing that I'm willing to give up certain things for someone else, and then later having it end with heartbreak, which ultimately led me to build my guard up so high when I sometimes wish it wasn't there.
After you have your heart broken, you're tossed into a loop of wanting to fall in love again, while simultaneously being held back because of your past wounds.
The most dangerous situation for me is when I start gaining feelings for someone else, because my mind subconsciously loves to think of all kinds of possibilities -- the good and the bad. It's almost impossible for me to control it.
Earlier this month, a duo named 'Jomo' released an album consisting of pure poetic verses called 'Tunnels.' A few songs resonate with me so much that I've decided to use them to write and share about the subject that scares me the most: romantic love.
PHASE 1: In Enters Idealism
Most love songs try be cute while explaining the situation. This first song is none like I've heard before. It's what it feels like to fall in love. It even sounds like falling in love. Jome's vocalist, Jesse aka Imaginary Future, offers such a calming voice which transports you into another dimension. You experience the pure feeling of realizing that your heart is slowly falling for everything about the other person; their smile, their eyes, the way they talk -- most importantly, that feeling of love flooding in as you're connecting with someone on a soul level, when you know they feel it too.
- CINNAMON -
Waking in the white sun, lights out
Wading through the days in, nights out
It's a slow cinnamon summer
Your spell is pulling me under
Even if you aren't a writer or a poet, your mind feels poetic. Your feelings dance around in thought whether you're with the person or not. It's the experience of simply smiling at the mere idea of them, and finding comfort in doing so. I wish I could stay in this phase forever.
Unfortunately, this can easily be unhealthy for me, because I know that once my mind falls into this trance, I've already got on my rose-tinted glasses. Fantasy takes over reality and I have no more control over my emotions. When I decide to fall, I fall fast and deeply. I'm all or nothing, and because of that, it has the power to hurt me.
PHASE 2: Reality At The Door
After a few months, the thoughts and feelings regarding love turn into bitterness, anger, regret, and sadness. I've never had to show someone I had feelings for them and when I do have the opportunity, I have the terrible counter-productive habit of choosing to show absolutely no sign of romantic feelings. That being said, all of my love cases after my first have all resulted in unrequited love.
- ONCE RED -
I'm talking to myself again
Asking too much of the wind
Like she'd have a say, like she'd turn my way
Lift me upward and take all my faith
Gonna let my feelings go
Gonna change the color
Once red is now blue
And I'm through
A lot of my heartbreak is caused by myself. It's a troubling path to be on, because time passes by so fast as I overthink everything and do nothing. It sucks to have your heart broken by someone else, but when you realize you're the one that keeps playing yourself, you're left with the hammer in your hand and the mirror broken in front of you, feeling sorry for yourself that you let it happen.
It's difficult to admit that countless nights are spent crying over someone with whom you don't communicate. When my mind is over idealizing some story that probably wasn't there in the first place, I realize that I'm back where I started. I think of all the lost time I could have used to focus on more important things that would have brought me guaranteed joy. Not only that, but I usually end up hating the other person and soon think of how stupid I was for leading myself on. Sometimes, I almost wish they hurt me, so I don't have to face the fact that I hurt myself.
PHASE 3: It'll Be Okay
It's incredibly hard for me to let go of situations, because I like feeling in control of my life and I like to keep moving. This last song I'm about to present is a composition that traces the loss that comes with leaving and all that lingers behind, even with the passing time, even with the fading memory.
It's a song for us all who have second-guessed our decisions, who have left people behind, who have also been left behind, who have had hearts broken, who have looked back and wanted for things to change; a song for all of us who fight our doubts, fears and 'what-ifs' constantly, every day, without the promise of any peace. This article from 'Atwood Magazine' provides a beautifully written review and analysis of the song.
- SNOW -
What if we lived in the same town?
What would have happened then?
I picture you in your winter gloves
Wishing that I never left
Throat closing, waving from across the street
Heartbroken, you still got a piece of me
I tiptoed alone
To your wooden room
I felt you changing
In an afternoon
We left it open
Kept the pages clean
I didn't mean to let you go
I still see you in the snow
I'm quick to believe that someone is right for me, therefore all I want is to show how good I could be. In the process of falling in love, I lose my sense of self-worth. Albeit, I know that it's the moment I decide to stop wishing and believing in something intangible, and instead, start refocusing on my self and my goals that I truly shine. Even if I'm left with blank pages, my love is still here, and I deserve it.
In some circumstances, memories are too special to the point of being untouchable that I just can't risk ruining it. Despite all of the possibilities, hopes, and fears, I'm finding peace with walking away. It's painful and heartbreaking, but at the end of it all, I'm sitting on top of the mountain I've been trying to climb and looking to where my next journey will take me.